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Book, page 401 / 460 miserable; but wicked I will not be--and wicked I should be if I took advantage of your confiding love. I must disappoint your affection, but your confidence I will not betray. When I put your love to that test which it has so nobly stood, I had hoped that a time would come when all doubts would be cleared up, and when I could reward your constancy by the devotion of my whole happy life--but that hope is past: I cannot prove my innocence--I will no longer allow you to take it upon my assertion. I cannot indeed, with truth, even assert that I have done no wrong; for though I am not false, I have gone on step by step in deception, and might go on, I know not how far, nor to what dreadful consequences, if I did not now stop--and I do stop. On my own head be the penalty of my fault--upon my own happiness--my own character: I will not involve yours--therefore we part. You have not yet heard all that has been said of me; but you soon will, and you will feel, as I do, that I am not fit to be your wife. Your wife should not be suspected; I have been--I am. All the happiness I can ever have in this world must be henceforth in the thought of having saved from misery--if not secured the happiness of those I love. Leave me this hope--Oh, Granville, do not tell me, do not make me believe that you will never be happy without me! You will--indeed you will. I only pray Heaven that you may find love as true as mine, and strength to abide by the truth! Do not write to me--do not try to persuade me to change my determination: it is irrevocable. Further writing or meeting could be only useless anguish to us both. Give me the sole consolation I can now have, and which you alone can give--let me hear from Cecilia that you and your noble-minded guardian are, after I am gone, as good friends as you were before you knew me. I shall be gone from this house before you are here again; I cannot stay where I can do no good, and might do much evil by remaining even a few hours longer. As it is, comfort your generous heart on my account, with the assurance that I am sustained by the consciousness that I am now, to the best of my power, doing right. Adieu, Granville! Be happy! you can--you have done no wrong. Be happy, and that will console "Your affectionate HELEN STANLEY." This, enclosed to General Clarendon, she sent by Cockburn, who delivered it to his master immediately. Though she could perfectly depend upon her maid Rose's fidelity, Helen did not tell her that she was going away in the morning, to avoid bringing her into any difficulty if she were questioned by Lady Cecilia; and besides, no note of preparation would he heard or seen. She would take with her only sufficient for the day, and would leave
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