Baseketball

In the film, Baseketball is is a mix of baseball and basketball. It is a game suitable for people of all ages and abilities, played on a court consisting of a basketball hoop in a baseball diamond form.

It is highly suited to viewing by spectators as an indoor or outdoor sport on a relatively small court with only six players. The ball is large and easy to follow, and the lack of protective gear makes it possible to see the reactions of players.

There are many complex rules, perhaps most notably the 'psych out' where the opposing team is permitted to perform distracting stunts in front of the player shooting at the baseketball hoop. In the film, some view these as rather ridiculous or juvenile, such as saying "Fucked your sister!" to the shooter, or drinking fat from a liposuction tube.

Rules

List of psych-outs from the movie (in order of performance)

• Coop takes a sip of beer. His opponent shoots, and in the act of shooting Coop spits out his beer at him. The man misses the shot.
• Remer says to Ted "Fucked your sister", the ball bounces off the rim.
• Remer faces Ted's teammate with a quarter-watermelon wedge. The man shoots, and Remer responds with a spit of watermelon juice to the man's eye. The teammate misses the shot.
• Coop gives Remer the Polaroid picture he has just taken of Coop, Remer looks at it, pulls a hair from his teeth as Ted's teammate takes a shot. Remer says "Aw, one of Brittany's mom's pubic hairs!" The teammate looses the shot.
• As his opponent shoots, Coop says "Yo Tyler. I hear your sister's going out with Squeak!" Tyler replies "What?", stumbles, exclaims "Ugh!" and the ball misses the basket.
• Coop Yells "Yo Pierce. I hear your mom is going out with Squeak!" Pierce is distracted and shoots the ball. It hits Squeak and bounces away.
• Jansen says "Hey Coop!" Coop holds up his left index finger and says "Be right with you, hero." Jansen looks away, then looks back, but the ball has left Coop's hands. The ball goes through the hoop.
• Jansen weakly waves his arms before Squeak "Hey Squeak, miss it! Miss it!" Squeak shoots and scores easily.
• Jansen, not even trying to motion except to point something out says "Hey Remer! You better make sure your toe isn't over the line!" Remer replies "Hey Jansen! Nice [shoots] psssych-out, dingleberry! [scores] Yes!"
• Jansen says "Hey Coop!" Coop sets up his shot, ignoring Jansen, who says "Looks like your boy Denslow is about to buy the farm." Coop looks back, Denslow wails as he leans over the stadium railing. Coop yells "Oh!" as Denslow falls over. Coop loses his balance and the ball. The ball dribbles off and Remer shows frustration. Coop ends up face-first on the ground.
• Coops' Spanish speaking opponent says "Cuidado, puto! (Careful, prick!) Te pego duro, (I'll hit you hard!) bonehead! Idiota!" Coop shakes it off, not knowing Spanish, and makes the shot.
• Coop says "Hey, Hernandez, look" as he holds up a lard bag filled with a white liquid. "It's fat liposuction out of Brando's ass. Aw, Aww!" He takes out a straw from his back pocket and sticks it into the bag. "Noo! What am I doing here? Aw-" He begins sucking up the fluid. "Aw! It's all salty and warm! Oh, why would I do this??" He sips, "Aww, this guy ate a lot of pork!". Hernandez shoots, and scores.
• A Miami player walks up, Remer says "Yo! Gomez!", Gomez sets up to shoot, Remer continues "Got milk?" and begins to squeeze some milk out of a hidden pouch on his breast and onto Gomez's face as Gomez shoots. "Yeah, you like that, don'tcha?" The shot misses and Coop takes the rebound.
• A New Jersey Informant player comes up to defend against Coop, says "Yo Coop! Your mother's a terrible cook!" Coop just takes the shot and scores.
• A player prepares to shoot as Remer seems to be masturbating at someone in the crowd. The Informant glances back, then looks forward. Remer tries more vigorously. The Informant says "Can't gross me out, Remer." Remer replies "Oh yeah? Well check out Coop" Coop pulls out some aluminum foil, rips it off its roller, wads it up, and starts chewing it up in a rabid manner. The Informant shoots and stumbles, missing the shot. A window on the garage door shatters as the ball hits it.
• The cheerleaders at the San Francisco Ferries stadium are all men in T-shirts and boxers. They rip off their T-shirts to show off their buff bodies. An umpire skates by to make sure the shot is set up. Remer says "Hey Zane." and quickly goes up to whisper in his ear longingly "I wanna feel ya..." (the cheerleaders rub their hands over their chests dreamily) "...deep inside me!" Zane shoots and misses.
• Coop faces his own shooter "Hey Watson, have you seen those, uh, beer commercials?" Watson puts down his guard as Coop fakes an Australian accent "How ta speak San Franciscan" Coop grabs Squeak and pulls down his shorts so Watson can see his ass, Squeak screams "Hey. Hey!" Coop shouts "Vajoina!" and releases Squeak as Watson misses his shot.
• A tall San Antonio Defender rises and walks to a square. Remer comes out and acts like a fat man with buck teeth and hick accent and says "Goood, guess I'll take my shot now. So I can make it so I can go home quick and smack my wife in the eye, yeppir." The Defender says "Shut up, Remer" and takes his shot, while Remer replies "Well, shut yer moouuth bitch or I'll-" and turns to see the ball fall in.
• Coop walks up to his opponent and starts making a snare drum sound. He whips up his left hand with the middle finger sticking up. Then he whips out a small bolt cutter in his right hand, snaps it open, and proceeds to snip off his middle finger at the second knuckle. The Defender says "Oh. Uuuugh." Coop succeeds after some effort and the stump begins to squirt out blood "Awwwwwgh! Awwwwwgh" The Defender throws up as the crowd shrieks in horror. "Awwww! Oh my eye! My eye! Awwww!" says Coop, as the Defender coughs and throws the ball away.
• Coop says "Hey Smitch. You wanna see a scary face?" eight coiled noisemakers uncurl as Coop makes a growling noise. "Yeah!" The L.A. Player screams, loses his balance and misses the shot.
• Coop approaches a Detroit player as a mime. The player glances, then sets up his shot. Coop copies the player's move, but in a gay way. The player looks again, and Coop makes like he's crying and wiping away his tears. The player aims and Coop copies him, then gyrates his hips. The player is offended and hits him with the ball. Coop puts up his fists. but an umpire arrives. The Umpire says "You're out!"
• Squeak faces an opponent, this time wearing a bloody skeleton mask. The player shoots and scores.
• A Miami player aims and Coop stands before him, facing away. Coop is wearing a jacket, the Miami player says "Ohh! Ugh! Oh shit!" and runs away. Coop turns around and shows the back of the jacket: DEA POLICE FEDERAL AGENT.
• Remer approaches wearing Groucho Marx glasses, nose, and moustache, but his opponent shoots and scores.
• Remer wears goofy glasses upside down and wiggles his tongue, but his opponent shoots and scores.
• He tries again, this time using his hands as glasses, but his opponent shoots and scores.
• He tries a funny face, wagging tongue and funny noises, but his opponent shoots and scores.
• Remer gets frustrated, so for the next psych out he brings out a 2 by 4 and smacks the player across the back with it, then drives it down into him. An umpire and Coop stop Remer and haul him away. Coop returns and kicks the player a few times
• Squeak returns, this time in a devil's mask. Squeak remembers that masks don't work, so he takes it off and looks at the player, who, horrified, yells "Ye-ee-agh!" loses balance, and falls down, missing the shot.
• Remer approaches his player with a tape recorder ready to play something. The player prepares to shoot and the tape starts, on the tape, the narrators voice says "There were four of them in the corral. The once-proud beast, the broken girl, her mother, and finally, the man they call "The Whisperer." having the player's attention, Remer walks up to him and places the recorder next to his ear. An umpire leans in to see what's happening. "The woman stared hopefully into the ancient cowboy's weathered face." (the player struggles to stay awake) "Can you help her?" "Lady, I repair cows, not people." (the player falls asleep. Remer picks up a pillow and puts it against the player's face, on the left side. The player leans over and Coop guides him to the floor gently, the pillow now snug against the player's face) "His disjointed voice seemed to be coming from afar." the crowd cheers as Remer lets the player fall. He gestures in satisfied appreciation.
• Squeak says "Hey Tuttle!" (reading from the note that Remer wrote on his hand) "Your mother's deaf." Tuttle says "My mother's dead, you little twerp!", to which Squeak replies (still reading) "I guess that's why she didn't move around a lot." This trips Tuttle up, and he misses the shot. The ball hits Remer in the groin and Tuttle falls onto the ground like a pile of bricks. Dust rises up around him.
• Coop faces a large player and brings in two dwarf jesters spinning plates on poles and on the horns on a Viking helmet. The player loses balance and falls. The ball breaks a few plates. The dwarves laugh at him.
• Remer faces a player, saying "Yo, Darcy!" "Yeah?" Remer whips open the left side of his jersey to reveal a picture of a woman bent over on his T-shirt. "Hey, that's my wife!" Remer says "Yeah?" and whips open the right side of his jersey to reveal the man behind her, inside her... "And this is me!" Darcy falls over in disbelief and misses his shot.
• Squeak says "Hey Dirk!" Dirk replies dismissively "What is it?" "I hear your sister is going out with Squeak!" Dirk falls, and Squeak grins at his teammates.
• Coop turns to face Grunsky as Remer and Squeak leave "Hey Grunsky, you losing weight?" and begins to talk like South Park's Cartman and holds his arms out wide as if holding on to a large barrel "Ey, you guys! Seriousleh! I'm fuckin' fat! Geez, you guys! I'm fuckin' fat! God-damnit, I'm so fuckin' fat!" Grunsky loses his balance and falls down. Coop is knocked off his feet.

See Also: List of movies, List of actors, List of directors, List of documentaries, List of Hollywood movie studios

External Links

• IMDb entry on BASEketball
• Things to learn from Baseketball
• Baseket Summary
• BASEketball League on Yahoo Groups
• BASEketball cast and script

Referenced By